breaking it up

i took a really nice nap for about 20 min. woke up and got dinner. dinner was Chinese and it wasn't that great but the oatmeal cookie i had was. talk about healthy eating right....pshh nope. anyways went back to my room and got my stuff ready and took a trip to my school. i got some tutoring in Econ and I'm going back tomorrow for Accounting. i find that my life is basically stressed because of these two courses. i don't know why it is so difficult? i mean i go to  class everyday! i take notes. i listen and yet my mind cant understand what the hell to do next. so I'm basically doing tutoring and if that doesn't help then I'm dropping the classes. I'm in the library right now and I'm suppose to catch up on reading, but with a computer beside me i cant help it but go online instead ^__^. i have an idea of what my problem is, for these classes, and that is i don't like to read books that don't interest me. i believe that as a child i never liked reading because it was never a big deal to me. i mean when it came to book reports i read but that was once here and there. if it wasn't required i never read.. and that is my problem why I'm not a very good writer. depressing isn't it? all my problems are because i don't like to read or because i simply don't want to. i want to set a new goal in life and that is to try and love to read. its not easy and maybe it isn't possible to make someone who doesn't like to read LOVE to read, but its worth a try. my upcoming problem is, where am i going to live next year. i don't want to spend money on the dorm life again cause honestly this year hasn't been so awesome. and i don't want to commute. i have either, find a place to live here in long beach, or do the dorm thing again. 

i have lately been further away from god. and i heard in church that god doesn't punish people. that when something bad happens to you it isn't gods fault, but your own. i still in a sense don't believe that truly. i have moments that i know it is my fault but then i think to myself maybe it is god who wants to teach me a lesson. what to believe. one thing that comforts me is that god only wants us to get closer to him no matter what. 

I'm going to read some more and hope that i feel better about myself